Once upon a time in a galaxy really really close to ours, on a planet that was so completely identical to ours that it probably was earth, lived a horrible horrible old lady named Balinda. Now Balinda was one of the worlds foremost experts in BEING EPIC. She had her Ph.D in Kicking major tush. Now Balinda couldn’t really be bothered to not be epic so she created a town which consisted of pretty much PURE RIDICULOUSNESS. There, she realized that she needed to go on an epic quest to find some sort of diamond that would, like, save mankind. So Balinda gathered up a party of rag-tag n00bs who are much less


. She decided, upon reaching the temple of mostly doom (but also pain) that she would abandon the quest.

Man, that old lady was a


. She was pretty much an epic prick. Anyways, so those other dudes who were in her party totally died because of mostly doom but also pain. Balinda, however, decided to create an alternate universe where the main diet staple was cats. Why? I don’t know, I’m telling the story so stop questioning me!

She didn’t go there, she just created it. Far far away she heard a voice say “Oh my goodness, that is just BRILLIANT and she decided that the English language needed that word so she wrote her own dictionary and made a school in Brittan after it called “Oxford”. She then proceeded to kill Sonic the Hedgehog for being TOO SLOW.

Did i mention that Balinda was really fast? I didn’t? Well she was. She could probably keep up with Superman if he wasn’t so cheap that they banned him from the physical universe. Balinda trapped him in the universe where the main diet staple was orangutans, which she had created earlier on an

epic whim


She then ripped a fragment of time into two pieces for a bit of

epic comedy

then returned home to start an IN HOME KNITTING BUSINESS. This home business would promise a steady income because someone with a Ph.D in kicking major tush doesn’t really have all that much potential for income.

Well… technically Balinda could be an epic bouncer but remember at the beginning of the story when i said she was a horrible horrible old lady? Well it’s true. She has carpel tunnel too.

As i was saying, Balinda was a horrible old lady. For fun she would rip holes in the fabric of time itself and laugh at Stephen Hawking. One day she met a young mexican boy named


. Now


was half robot because half of his body was too awesome for the other half so it disintegrated.


also couldn’t speak English very well so he would always say “I am a tortilla” before he would attack someone, or “Ba-da-da-da-daaa (the mcdonalds theme song)” before he would pummel someome to death with


Now Balinda



met while walking through a nuclear wastelandA FOREST. But they really didn’t do anything cuz both of them didn’t really speak the other persons language. So Balinda kept on going towards the end of the earth and


continued to try and cross the border to Spain where he wanted to join the Spanish Civil War.

Ernest Hemingway, Balinda, and


totally got really pumped up about fighting FRED. They fought FRED but got a little sick of it, and Ernest Hemingway committed suicide via highpowered-laserblasterca

nnon to the funny bone. Balinda and


then fought for some time. Although they had both forgotten that they needed that diamond from the cave of mostly doom (but also pain) and the world ended.

The END.


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