Octopus MAN!

READ AND BE AMUSED

Justin Koop

January 19, 2009

Tales of the ridiculous and the fantastic

Story one: The Octopus Man

There once was a man named George Washington. He lived in a gigantic ten-bedroom apartment in downtown New York, otherwise known as Brooklyn. George Washington loved his wife, Denise, and their seven children who are not relevant to the storyline. George Washington was the man’s man. He had a long beard that was coarse enough to use as a scouring pad, he had a scar over his left eye and an eye-patch on his right. He drove a 1989 Buick, and smoked cigars weekly. His favorite drink was Brandy, and his favorite past time was hunting. His wife would cook him four strips of bacon, two eggs, two pieces of toast and a large glass of pureed fruit for every breakfast, he would make a deer meat sandwich for every lunch, and supper alternated between Spaghetti and Bologna, or any food with a silent G or H. Now George Washington was a good man, and wanted to provide for his family. He had been a soldier in the army but was discharged honorably by General Lee Badass because he was too amazing for the army. He found a job at the local Nuclear Power plant (New York celebrated the construction of it’s fortieth Nuclear Power plant in 2041) in order to keep feeding his gross amount of nameless children. George was such a hard worker that eventually he got everyone else fired and ran the entire Nuclear Plant by himself, This put surprising amounts of strain on the Marriage between George Washington and Denise Washington, as captured by this clip of audio surveillance taken by the FBI.
George – “Honey, I’m home!” *the door closes*
Denise – “Why are you home so late George? This keeps happening every day!” *said in a very whiny and annoying voice*
George – “I run an entire Nuclear Power Plant, woman!”
Denise – * in a mocking tone * “I run an entire Nuclear Power Plant.”
George – “Why do you do this to me? WHYYYYYY? I do it because I love you!”
*A short pause, where George makes a disgusted grunt*
George – “What IS that thing?!”
Denise – “This is my pet octopus! He keeps me company because you’re gone all the time!”
George – “Oh no you don’t!”
*Grabbing and squishy noises and small amount of protest from Denise*
George – “This is my octopus now, and we’re going to go play Backgammon because you don’t like it but I bet the octopus does!”
*Foot steps going away, and soft yet manly sobbing are heard distantly*
George and the Octopus became instant friends. Their friendship grew strong through a mutual love for muscle building and drinking protein shakes. Together they began a collection of medieval two-handed swords. Each day after safety checking the Nuclear power plant, they would duel to the near death with those swords, then laugh heartily and sharpen them. During this time Denise developed a great loneliness from lack of friendship and company.
One night, George Washington and the Octopus were playing “hot potato” with a live World War I era German hand grenade known as a potato masher. Both were having such a rowdy time that they forgot to push the secret lever in the factory that controls time and space as a whole, but that’s ok because it doesn’t factor into this story. They also forgot to safety check the facility and the nuclear core melted down. Luckily, through a team effort between the octopus and George Washington, they were able to activate the radiation shields and prevented any damage to the surrounding ghetto.
A month later, in the Bronx state hospital, George woke up from his radiation-induced mini-coma. The doctors explained that he would probably feel light headed and notice that he had eight appendages capable of crushing human skulls. They also explained that although George had saved New York, he and his best friend octopus were melded together into one being. The octopus could not control anything physically, but George could hear his voice whispering badass catch phrases to get him pumped up. He was filled with such a righteous fury that he decided to walk home, rather than ride the transit system. On his way home he noticed a familiar female figure going into a near-by palace. He followed close behind the woman, and soon discovered through empirical evidence that it was his wife! “Why is my wife visiting this palace?” The Octopus-man wondered. “Glub glub!” thought the octopus. “Yes.” Agreed George Washington. Just as the Octopus had suggested, they snuck into the place, hung from the ceiling and followed Denise around until they reached the throne room. In the middle of the immense marble columned room stood a golden throne atop a pyramid that was made completely of 12 week old baby panda skulls emblazoned with diamond dust which was hand-ground by Hercules. The throne was made out of pure 100,000 karat gold and forged by thousands of elementary school children across the British Commonwealth whose lives were completely and voluntarily dedicated to this one masterpiece. Denise entered and walked over to a very pale white man, who was wearing a Sikh turban and carried a large bag of Cocaine, who was standing upon the throne.
The Octopus man dropped down from the ceiling in a maddening fury! “Halt!” He cried with wild abandon “That is my wife!” Suddenly, he realized his wife was cheating on him with the Pale Man! Suddenly, he realized that Pale Man was a Drug lord! Suddenly, Ninjas came through the windows with their swords drawn for combat! Suddenly, the ninjas lit on fire! Suddenly, the nearby statues came alive and started swinging swords made of stone! Suddenly, the Pale Man threw twenty-five grenades! Suddenly, His wife was the pink power ranger! Suddenly, his wife went into labor! Suddenly, the entire cast of “The Big Bang Theory” appeared in a flash of blinding light! Suddenly, Denise began to have birth complications! Suddenly, the roof blew off because of a tornado! Suddenly, the walls became electrically charged because of the massive electrical storm raging overhead! Suddenly, Denise was having quadruplets! Suddenly, the fire on the Ninjas was made out of knives! Suddenly, the statues became wreathed in extreme and dangerously majestic black fire! Suddenly, Denise thought the Ninja’s were friendly! Suddenly, a killer combo of the knife fire on the ninja’s and the intensely black fire wreathed statues’ swords hit Denise in the arm causing her to fall onto the panda skull pyramid which broke, revealing a T-Rex whose proportion is only comparable to the Cyclops which charged through the back wall of the throne room even though he was covered in Vipers! Suddenly, the cast of the Big Bang Theory adopted all five of Denise’s children only to subject them to cruel scientific experiments. Suddenly, the T-Rex and the Viper-covered Cyclops were battling in the sky above Denise (for the Pale Man had cast a levitation spell on them) and the ensuing fallout threw her in-between the Octopus-man and the Pale Man, causing a sudden realization of everyone in the room that she was about to die. In the dead silence, that seemed to pass to on through all the eons of time that rang over the battlefield like a bluebird on the fields of Normandy on an early summers morning in June when George Washington was busy winning the second world war, The Octopus-man reasoned with the Pale Man, “ I love my wife! Don’t take her from me, and drown her in a sea of cocaine!” The Pale Man answered, “Don’t doubt that I have a sea of Cocaine! Why should I give her up? I love her, and she’s the mother of my, now, twenty three children!” The Octopus-man retorted “But I’m dying of cancer, and she shot me with a gun, and you’re really cheating on her with Jenny and we have a secret homosexual relationship, but I still love her more than anything!” Denise interrupted by saying “Don’t I mean anything to you two? Why can’t you settle this like men and kill people! My heart is now with the Scorpion-Man from the Museum of Man and Scorpion. Also, I’m about to die.” The Octopus-man and Pale Man couldn’t really argue with that one. The Scorpion-Man was pretty badass and they knew it. They then spent some time getting to really know each other, and in doing so forgot about Denise who was devoured by the half-T-Rex half-Viper-Covered-Cyclops

’ offspring of the aforementioned of each breed. The Ninja’s took a much-needed holiday to the Cambrian islands. There they stayed until they died of old age, each one of them achieving their dream of being just like George Washington. The stone statues, feeling the bonds of their slavery loosed by the absence of the Pale Man, committed accidental mass suicide by sumptuously feasting on the baby panda skulls until their stone stomachs burst. The cast of the big bang theory sold the throne to the devil, who reeeeeeeeeeeally wanted it.
The Octopus-man, refreshed after a goodnights sleep, set out on his epic quest to seek the Scorpion-Man and vanquish him for no other reason than he hadn’t yet crushed any human skulls with his eight appendages capable of crushing human skulls, even though he had plenty of opportunity but never really took the initiative.
TO BE CONTINUED!
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