March 1, 2010 Leave a comment
Once upon a time in a land across the sea, lived a man whose name was Bjorn Maxbattle. Did i mention his nose was disproportionately large?! Bjorn was born to a humble family in the village of Pillage on the arctic tundra. Early on in Bjorn’s life he was taught how to battle evil sea serpents, collect metal from the ground and create disproportionately large weapons. In fact, Bjorn was so good at making disproportionately large weapons that he became the master disproportionately huge weapon smith of the entire Norse empire. In Bjorn’s spare time he enjoyed having children with his one (but unbelievably resilient and buff) wife, with which he had 40 children who grew up to become insane Nordic laser show technicians, but the lasers are real. He also enjoyed finding random bits of anything and turning them into disproportionately large weapons. One day, he found a young boy who hadn’t eaten in a very long time, and he turned him into a disproportionately large boy who hadn’t eaten in a very long time, who could be used as a spear. If Bjorn was especially bored with his life, he would go from town to town breaking everyone’s swords and shields with his bare hands. Did I mention that Bjorn never fought with weapons? That’s right, he doesn’t. He breaks metal with his freaking hands. Did I mention he doesn’t use hammers to make his disproportionately large weapons? He just uses his freaking fists. One day when Bjorn was beating several cats senseless with his disproportionately large fists. A disproportionately large man came up to him and said “Hey, like: There’s a war and stuff,.; Ummm, so yeah. Do you want to fight some sweet Indians with Christopher Columbus and Charles Darwin?” Bjorn agreed, oblivious of the unbelievable adventures that would unfold. Bjorn, Christopher Columbus and Charles Darwin were the only people on the boat that sailed across the sea and landed on North America. Immediately upon landing they were greeting with twenty five billion purple people eaters who ran into the hills crying “Retreat!” but nobody cares about them. They adventured through the forest. Suddenly Charles Darwin evolved into a fish and died. Christopher decided it was a good idea to eat Charles Darwin. They did, and it tasted a little like hypocrisy, or so Bjorn remarked (but who the hell would trust the opinion of a dude disproportionately large fists?! I sure wouldn’t. You’d be really dumb if you did). As they struggled along, because they forgot to pack food when they left Europe a group of gorillas with hangnails wielding blowtorches and steel beams who yelled “WHHOOOOP, there goes the big one!” every time they swung something, passed by them with no confrontation. They then proceeded to make camp for the night where, to pass the time, collected octopi from a nearby saltwater river and made commemorative backpacks. Bjorn then decided to kill Chris because of his flagrant disregard for personal hygiene. There was a disproportionately large battle where Bjorn Maxbattle and Christopher Columbus both died due to dagger slicing through a firebomb, which was filled with nitroglycerine that had fallen from the sky for no reason, the ensuing explosion the triggered both of their latent force powers and they survived the disproportionately large blast wherein they both were super heated to about 1 billion degrees Calvin, but who the heck knows what Calvin is even based on so they pretty much melted through the earth and fought it out in the core of the planet but unbeknownst to them, a really handsome penguin with a giant ice laser decided to try to attack china by shooting through the earth, but just succeeded in starting the ice age and killing what would have been a disproportionately large battle sequence.